you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
