Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
