Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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