I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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