I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize