Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
