I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize