he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
