i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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