So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
