my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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