I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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