"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
