then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
