im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
