I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
