He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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