she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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