mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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