They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's blow job season.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
