Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Still dying that you shit outside
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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