If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
