I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
