Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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