just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
