I seem to have left my pride at pride
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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