If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
