I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
