How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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