i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
