Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
