i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
