This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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