She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Congratulations! We have a period
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