I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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