I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
