My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
