I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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