He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
