I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
