Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
