It was confusing and full of hummus
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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