Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We left the knife in your bed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
