Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
