I heard we made out
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
