it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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