My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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