I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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