You're my little dorito
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize