Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
