textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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