I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
