someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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