My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
