Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
