The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
