How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize