I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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