She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
