just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did I show you my penis last night?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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