i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
